Posted by: Kelsey | October 31, 2013

Top Ten October: 10 Worst Halloween Candies

You return home from a night of walking door-to-door in your ninja turtle costume, exhausted by the redundancy of yelling “Trick or Treat!!!!” at neighbors you don’t know, but excited to finally uncover the fruits of your labor. You dump out your candy sack, be it a plastic pumpkin or an old pillowcase, on the living room floor, and immediately your eyes dart to The Good Stuff: Reese’s pumpkins, miniature Kit-Kats, tiny packs of Sour Patch Kids, little Twizzlers, and–is that? I think that’s a…? It IS! A full-size PayDay bar!!!!! God bless the beautiful soul that placed that treasure in your bag. Back when I was trick-or-treating, there was one woman who gave out 12-oz cans of SunKist orange soda to each child. She is the reason I was still TOTing at 20 years old. I couldn’t turn down my yearly free cola.

"The Good Stuff"

“The Good Stuff”

In stark contrast to these angels of candy mercy, there are those holiday curmudgeons who insist on filling your bag with pounds of inedible, unidentifiable crap. Unlike the Scrooges that don’t even turn on their porch lights, these guys draw you in like a moth to the flame with the promise of actual candy, but after you’ve walked the block to their cul de sac, they listen to your eager voice and reward you with a Trick, disguised as a Treat. These are the candies that aren’t even worth unwrapping. These are the bitter sweets that make you wish your neighbor had thrown you a rock instead.

"I got a rock."

“I got a rock.”

Be warned: As you purchase your Halloween candy this year, avoid these duds at any cost. Ignoring this advice will probably get your house egged or decorated with rolls of Charmin.

1.These thingscandy black orange

There is a time in your life, usually around age 2 or 3, that quantity means more than quality. But every child learns the hard and sad lesson that more isn’t necessarily better in the same exact way: They are tricked on Halloween by their big brother. “Hey, little sis,” he says in that trustworthy big bro voice you’ve always adored. “Don’t you want more candy?” You nod furiously! You knew he’d have a plan! He’s the best! “How about… I trade you… TWENTY-FIVE of these AWESOME… um… Halloween-specific candies–” (Twenty-five??? Is that a real number?! I can only count to 10!) “–for just TWO of your fun size Snickers?” Two? Only two? That’s not many. 25 for 2??!! Really?!?! I knew I had the BEST big brother in the whole wide world! And those sure do look like very Halloweeny candies, what with their festive orange and black wrappers. My, oh my, this seems like a great deal!!! … But NO. It’s not. As soon as you attempt to unwrap one of these nasties (a feat in itself, as the waxy paper leaves a crusty Bandaid-like residue) and you try (you’re not going to succeed–no one ever has) to bite into what is supposed to be a chewy nugget of… what? peanut butter? caramel? something? sorta? (WHAT ARE THESE THINGS??!) and it turns out to be a calcified dog turd, you know–you KNOW–that the world is in fact a horrible place, and everyone has LIED to you.

More ≠ better.

Small packages ≠ good things.

Big brothers ≠ friends.

2. Those Tootsie Roll-ish things that are fruit-flavored

candy tootsies
The Tootsie Roll is not a bad candy. I mean, it’s kinda an underachiever, and the super-sized versions definitely look like a fresh poop, but they are a decent treat. Distinct, craveable flavor, bite-sized, completely unadventurous yet steadfast. HOWEVER. Their fruity counterparts are just the opposite: unfriendly, vindictive little taffy-like chews with labels slapped on by a blind man. (You call this “orange” flavor? This is about as orange as blue.) Their small size is a curse, too: You pop the whole thing in your mouth–it’s tiny; how offensive can it be?–and it’s down the hatch before your taste buds can register the foulness and you can spit it out in disgust (the correct response). And–this is proven by Science–you have to eat, like, 6 regular Tootsie Rolls just to get the taste of the FauxRolls out of your mouth.

3. Strawberry hard candiescandy strawberryDo Grandmas go trick-or-treating? Do Grandmas? Go trick-or-treating?

No? Then why you gotta give out candy like you got Grandmas ringin’ your bell? Huh? And these little suckers have gooey, jelly-like innards, too. Insider info: It’s the tears of real strawberries who have seen what these impostors have done to their good name.

4. Smartiessmarties candyFreakin’ Smarties. If you go to the FDA website, you’ll find a hierarchy of foodstuffs that goes something like this (I’m paraphrasing, of course, to avoid copyright violation): Dog Bone < Sugar-covered Dog Bone < Smarties < Sweet Tarts*

*For the record, I don’t totally agree with the FDA on the Sweet Tart thing. The chewy ones especially are pretty darn rad.

5. Bit O’ HoneyBit-O-Honey-Bulk_smallWhen a Sugar Daddy and a Sugar Mommy fall in love, they make a Sugar Baby, and all is right with the world. When a Sugar Daddy decides to knock up his first cousin, Plexiglas, a Bit O’ Honey is produced. They are so ashamed of it, they don’t even give it a stick to sit on. Some people think this is really heartbreaking; I, personally, am a bit of a candy pure-bloodist, and don’t believe that caramel should procreate with things like rocks, sticks, dog turds, plastic, cardboard, or glass. Sorry if that’s offensive. That’s just where I’m at.

6. LifesaversLifeSaversMiniRollsMaybe you are just a kind old man who assumes that every TOTer on Halloween night has a bad cold. Maybe you just want to soothe their little throats, and maybe after 10 minutes you ran out of cherry-flavored Halls. In that case, it’s very considerate of you to pass out Lifesavers candies to the poor children who knock at your door. If, on the other hand, you’ve purchased these dull little rings with the intention of delighting perfectly healthy children, I regret to inform you that your lawn is covered with Lifesavers.

7. White candy stickscandy sticksThese are misleading for two reasons: 1) They come in awesome packaging with superheroes on the box, making every boy under 13 want to pick them out of your candy bowl; and 2) They are basically a rebranding of the candy cigarettes we used to know and love, which would make every boy over 13 want to pick them out of your candy bowl. The problem is, the younger boys open their Marvel boxes to find two pieces of chalk, and the older boys don’t know that there are sugar joints inside because they were too grown-up to grab the candy in the Captain America packaging. It’s a lose-lose.

8. Sixlets08sixletssnacksizeThey look so yummy–a rainbow of little BB’s in their own clear package–and so enticing. Oooh! Are they like Runts? They kinda look like Runts! Maybe kinda Skittles-y? I love me some Skittles. Oh, I think here it says they have a chocolatey center. I see, like M&M’s? That might be good! Public Service Announcement: Sixlets : M&M’s :: PRB : Home-brew. They might both be colorful, candy-coated pieces of chocolate, but Sixlets are an evil M&M impostor. I don’t even know what that extra flavor is (in addition to the low-quality chocolate-like substance)–malt? orange? soy sauce? antifreeze?–but it is an abomination.

9. PeppermintspeppermintsUnless your house is an O’Charley’s and you define “trick-or-treaters” as “people who have just eaten at my restaurant,” peppermints are not an acceptable offering for someone walking to your door.

10. Dum DumsdumdumsThese microscopic suckers are on this list for one reason: No filler. Okay, Dum Dum, it took me four licks to get to the center of your pop, and what do I find? A white stick?? Seriously. Where’s my Tootsie Roll sphere? Where’s my rock-hard bubblegum? (Only acceptable inside of Blow Pops, FYI–I’m looking at you, Dubble Bubble!) Dum Dums should be a prize you get for going to the bank, not for trudging blocks in the cold October wind begging door-to-door.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, FRIENDS!
May your trick-or-treat sacks overflow with The Good Stuff.

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Responses

  1. I actually love those flavored tootsie rolls, and I appreciate the shout out to the giant (extinct?) chewy sweet tarts. Frankly, the orange and black covered blobs should be numbers 1-10. How are those things still being made???

  2. Circus Peanuts… Yuck! They should definitely be on there.

    • I would be in heaven if anyone ever gave me a bag of fresh circus peanuts.

    • I didn’t put circus peanuts on here because I honestly didn’t think anyone was passing out circus peanuts to trick-or-treaters. That’s disturbing. Where are you TOTing that people pass out unwrapped foodstuffs? And if they’re going to pass out pieces of food that have not been factory sealed, I’d really rather they just grab a handful of chips from a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos & throw them in my sack.

      But I agree. Circus peanuts are the WORST. The only food more divisive is Peeps.

  3. Those orange and black wax paper candy (can you even call it that? I’m not sure it qualifies) are disgusting! I tried one last year and still can’t get the taste of putrid nastiness out of my mouth.

  4. Agreed except I like a dum dum now and then. And life savers can be a quick fix too.

  5. I am fully with you on the taffy-esque thingies up top, the strawberry candies, Bit-O-Honey and Sixlets. But I will love Smarties forever and ever.

  6. I got the “cheap” bag with those yucky colored tootsie rolls :-/ My little one loves them? This is probably the reason I had 1 trick or treater tonight, lol.

  7. […] via Music or Misery […]

  8. […] via Music or Misery […]

  9. […] Music or Misery […]

  10. […] by way of Music or Misery […]

  11. I have to disagree with this article because eight out of 10 are my favorites and my daughter favorite candies too. Our most favorite one is the white chalk stick candy that’s hard to find.


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