Posted by: Jamie | October 2, 2013

Top Ten October: 10 reasons why McDonald’s is awesome

mcdonalds

Go ahead. Pretend like you are disgusted by McDonald’s. You’re not fooling anyone. You are one of the Billions Served and you love it. Those sweet, sweet golden arches call to you like a singing siren out on the sea of hunger and you willingly wade into its tide. You know the menu. You have memorized the number of your favorite meal combo. Say it. Right now, say it! … I told you so. Why are we lovin’ it? Because McDonald’s has been given a special blessing from above.  Every local affiliate is an undeniable factory of magic. Just last week, a worker from behind the counter told my wife that she looked just like Snow White. Try getting that kind of complimentary service at one of your fancy hipster eateries. Here are our top 10 reasons why we are not afraid to admit we love MickieD’s and why you should stop frontin’ on an American treasure.

1. The Happy Meal
This is what hooked you. When you were a kid, your parents bought you a Happy Meal because you wouldn’t shut up and you wouldn’t eat anything else. This did it. That wondrous red treasure chest topped with a cardboard smile was filled with the most precious commodities on earth. A cheeseburger. Maybe McNuggets. Fries. Cookies. Oh, those cookies. And a toy. I’m 31 and I am still in possession of some of the toys I got in my happy meal 20-25 years ago. This is where it begins. The starter drug. The first toke for a lifetime of cravings. Give a kid a happy meal and I’ll show you a McDonald’s customer for life.

2. Breakfast
Some days you wake up and the only words you can utter are “Egg McMuffin.” You jump in your car and scramble to the drive-thru window by 10:30am. Or is it 10? Maybe 11? Crap! Just go go go! You have to say the words “sausage biscuit and hash brown please” before they flip the menu and start serving lunch. Yeah, you might get super sluggish by noon. Yeah, you might feel like a giant dog whose saliva is made out of bacon grease tongue-bathed your face. It’s so worth it. Also, they sling up the best coffee amongst all fast food chains. Just don’t spill it on your crotch.

3. A Road Trip Essential
When you and your average American family of 4 are galavanting across the great highways, there is nothing more comforting that seeing the distant glow of that giant M. It beckons: “Come. Stop here. You need to empty your bladder and my bathrooms are moderately clean. You also need a snack. This is a safe place.” Seeing a McDonald’s off an interstate exit is like spotting an oasis in the desert. It is a crucial refueling break before you reach your destination. Whether you have time to sit down or get your food to go, your trip will have been more successful as a result of pulling over. It is also well documented that McDonald’s cheeseburgers taste more delicious when consumed from inside a moving vehicle. You can’t argue with science.

4. Monopoly
Now, I’ve never known anyone personally who has ever won anything from collecting the Monopoly game pieces from their fry containers, but you have to admit peeling off those puppies with giddy anticipation does sweeten the deal of ordering something off the menu. This collision of worlds is a fun one, and every year when the Monopoly game is set into motion, my weight and cholesterol level goes up.

McDonald's Characters5. Delightful Characters/Commercials
Birdie, Grimace, Mayor McCheese, Fry Kids, Officer Big Mac, Captain Crook, The, Hamburger Patch, The McNugget Buddies, HAMBURGLAR (robble, robble), and many others all led by our eternal friend in big red shoes, Ronald McDonald. Oh, and remember the Mac Tonight guy, with a big dumb moon head singing about Big Macs to the tune of Mack the Knife? Of course you do. Here is complete list and history of the whole squad. It seems they have backed off the kid-directed marketing over the last few years, possibly due to criticism from health organizations. But we have the cherished memories of some ridiculous (and sometimes heartwarming) commercials. Below are some clips for your enjoyment. Be careful though, something about them will make you hungry. I don’t know what it is about those big felt McNugget dudes. Not sure if i want to cuddle them or shove them in my belly.

6. Collectibles
Whether a toy came in your happy meal, (See #1) or you got a collectible cup or a Christmas tree ornament, I’m betting most of you readers have something in your home that came from McDonald’s or has the golden arches logo on it somewhere. From Pokemon to Batman, to Wizard of Oz figurines to whatever the movie-tie-in of the season was, we all have something. My favorite collectable is a reindeer ornament from the 1989 Holiday movie classic “Prancer”. It still gets a spot on our tree and sort of smells like ancient french fries.

7. The PlayPlacenormal_mikemacdonalds
What’s that? You want to run around, slide down a slide or swing after you’ve scarfed down a few filet-o-fishes? You want to climb on a statue of Ronald McDonald? Want to barf up that soda after taking a spin on that saucer thingy? Just step outside that glass door on to the Playplace and your wildest dreams will come to life. It doesn’t matter if you trip, fall or barf, that weird chunky reddish bark mulch will catch it all. Mom will let you know when the grownups are done yapping to each other about gas prices. Most all of the Playplaces are now indoors, but nonetheless spectacular in how they are laid out and constructed. So, go out out there and be a kid.

8. Special Coca-Cola
For years there has been the swelling rumor that McDonald’s has a special kind of Coca-cola that they use in their fountains. That myth is still under debate. However, i think most of us can agree with our taste buds that there is something unique behind the carbonated burn that comes from a MickieD’s coke. Here are a few theories.

9. Consistency
I’ll let this clip from HBO’s hit show “Girls” give you this one. Ray sums it up beautifully when he says,  “If I bite into a Chicken McNugget in Nigeria…you know what it’s going to taste like? It’s gonna taste like home?” Warning: Adult language included in this clip:

10. Hot Mustard Sauce
Finally, I’m going to let you in on the biggest secret of why McDonald’s is awesome. The hot mustard sauce. I’m betting you order some Bar-B-Q or Sweet & Sour sauce when you order your McNuggets. But you are doing it wrong. Order this next time and thank me later. It’s seriously the best condiment on the planet brought to you by the greatest fast food giant on the planet. Ba-da-ba-ba-BA!

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Responses

  1. Having been to Australia, I would have to pick a bone about the consistency thing. It’s only consistent on a continent by continent basis. Maybe only even country by country. Which is one of the reasons it’s so scary. Real food ain’t that consistent.

    Therefore, I posit thus: Ray Kroc : Fast food : : Walter White : Meth

    • Several people from Australia have commented on my article about Coca-Cola at McDonalds that it isn’t consistent. From what you are saying about the food perhaps Australia suffers from consistency in general?

  2. P.S. – If I may request a list…

    guitar records, or guitar songs, or guitar solos

    • Want to write a guest post???? 😀

  3. What about the terrific birthday parties you can have at Mickey d’s? Both my husband and I have played the stack-the-nugget box game, or the drop the straw game. The birthday kid also got to go into the freezer and check it out! Totally 80s and totally awesome.

    • Is this a real thing? Or did you just have a relative that worked at McDonald’s?

  4. #6 it is! I had The Riddler cup from the Batman Forever promotion. It was my morning juice cup for years. As in it didn’t break until a I was in the Springdale apartments at SBTS. So a good 13 or 14 years.

  5. Oh Jamie, so right on so many points about the beloved MickieD’s. To me, I especially am close to the coke tasting like manna from heaven and awesome road trip food.

    Chad will attest (it kind of grosses him out most of the time until he takes one bite of those salty, hot fries and swig of high fructose corn syrup) every road trip is my time to get my guilty fill of McD’s. Breakfast is always a sausage biscuit and large coke. Lunch/dinner is always a cheeseburger, medium fry and large coke (Reese’s Cup flurry or ice cream come optional but highly recommended).

    The end.

  6. There are three things I love about McDonalds: the fries, the caramel sundae and the filet o’ fish. Yum.

    • My only problem with this list is that the Filet O’ Fish doesn’t have its own bullet point. That sandwich is the stuff dreams are made of.

  7. […] Top Ten October: 10 reasons why McDonald’s is awesome (themusicorthemisery.wordpress.com) […]

  8. I have to admit I am not a huge McD’s fan. Mostly because I don’t like skinny fries that are cold after 2 seconds 🙂 But I do have many fond memories of my dad taking us there on Saturdays every weekend. I love their ice cream though. It is soft fluffy goodness and should definitely be a bullet point.

  9. […] Top Ten October: 10 reasons why McDonald’s is awesome […]

  10. […] Top Ten October: 10 reasons why McDonald’s is awesome […]


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